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From:  "Jason Brown" <kimgillions22@veeetekk.com>
Subject:  For Bob
Date:  Tue, 13 Dec 2005 20:16:25 -0500
>Bob,
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>I'll come out and say that I'm not a big fan of Christmas. Yes, I know, suck it O'Reilly. First of all, religiously and liturgically, it's not that interesting to me. Christmas Cantatas are usually pretty boring and Passion plays aren't, mostly because the baby Jesus is outshined and out-cuted by that 3 yr. old kid who sings "Happy Birthday Jesus" and closes on the oh so effing heartbreaking words, "I love you Jesus."
>Question, kid: How do you think the baby Jesus feels when everyone is oohing and ahhing over your rosy cheeks when this day is about him, you know the son of God? You're just the son of a dentist and well we won't get into it.
>And so it's not like you have this really cool ritual (in the protestant tradition) for Christmas morning. You don't get a wicked cool cross of ash on your forehead, you don't go through the stations of the cross, etc... Rather, you sing music that isn't really that good. It's ok and stuff. I love that "Away in a Manger" harmony and everything, but I think we can all admit that the only time Christmas songs were cool was when Low released their Christmas album. And they're Mormon.
>But the thing I hate about Christmas is gifts. I have been woefully unprepared by my upbringing for gifts. In our family, we got loads of toys as kids. Then when we were older and Gi Joe's didn't take up 98% of the Christmas tree and the entire day couldn't be spent using the tree and boxes as a battle zone for the new 5 ft. aircraft carrier to invade Christmas land... well when that stopped, we just didn't know how to function. Presents in my family have turned into, do the regular shopping for someone else.
>When you'd ask my dad, "What do you want?" he'd tell you something that he was going to buy anyway and so why not just go ahead and buy it for him. My entire family seemed to run that way. Well, I haven't bought a new shirt in 4 years, maybe mom can just take me out and buy me some shirts. And so, Christmas wasn't really much of a holiday as much as a delayed shopping day. Rather than getting a razor, you have to wait until someone buys it for you and then you can open it up... so don't shave for a month.
>At times, I've tried to break the mold and think of a good book for my Dad or brothers, but I really don't think those have ever been read. It's no big deal, I should've known better (especially for assuming they know how to read). Or I'll just buy some records. That works, because except for my oldest brother (hey Justin, I'm writing about you), I know what the other two brothers will like.
>But I'm getting married now. I have whole new world (don't you dare close your eyes) of Christmas tradition, because Lydia's family actually make presents. What the hell? The last thing I made was a clay pot that more resembled a turd in 6th grade. And they give real presents, you know the kind that mean something and are from the heart. At this point, I'm freaking lost.
>What can I buy you that's from the heart? What if it isn't close enough from the heart and you think what I've bought isn't sincere and then I'm effectively not your second cousin-in-law, wait, what's your name again?
>The good thing is that Lydia can simply buy presents and say they're "From us." Good, then she makes me look better and we don't look like we're a failure of a couple. HOWEVER. That still doesn't solve the problem of my family. All of a sudden the stakes are higher. What do we get the family (the unmarried brothers are no problem, they can get their damned cds)? If we don't get something good enough for the parents or grandma, are we a bad couple, will the blessing be taken back? No. Thankfully, my parents still won't care.
>But this leaves one problem. I still have no idea what in the hell one buys someone else for Christmas. I get nervous every year and it sucks because, if I liked this religious holiday more, I'd say that I'm totally not into giving presents because it takes away from Jesus', but really, I don't like Christmas that much. Why can't people try to give presents on Easter and then I'd be all like, "oh you people are sick!"?
>Oh and I eff-ing hate muzak Christmas tunes.
>I do like egg nog and rum, however.|| whb, 12/13/2005 Comments (12) || link
>A Headline to Make You Smile
>Happy Holidays from CNN: Skydiver survives fall, discovers she's pregnant|| whb, 12/13/2005 Comments (4) || link
>Sorry About That News
>Lydia and I are getting ready to move to PA, so I don't have all the blogging time in the world in the mornings. Sorry.
>In good news, I believe our good friend FR Lewis should be back from India now.
>My bread went smashingly well thanks for asking. After worrying that I had put too much olive oil on it while it was rising (it's French bread), it all turned out A-OK and we now have 4 wonderful loaves of bread.
>And Ricky Gervais has a podcast? Oh happy day.
>In annoying or bad news...
>I would like to mention the death sentence carried out on Stanley Williams. I know not many of you (at least the last time we blogged about the death penalty) agree with my disgust toward capital punishment. But I have to say, if we're not trying to use the penal system to rehabilitate people or help them find redemption, what are we doing? Of course, someone will counter that he never admitted to the four murders. So what if he didn't do it, but now realizes that he was still a bad person? hmm. too late.
>Of course, that also means we have to put up with self-righteous liberals talking about "celebrity executions" like Jesus' and Williams'... god help us.
>In completely unrelated news Brokeback Mountain received the most Golden Globes nominations... This means we have to sit through hours of Fox News and CNN bull s*t wherein we get the conservative reaction to a gay western movie. I'm just pissed that Capote only got one nomination. One nomination? What the hell?
>Most people don't think Bush has a plan for Iraq. Is that because every three months we get a new slogan and more people dead?
>Bush is confident that McCain will allow a comprimise in the torture ban. He is confident because he will have McCain tortured and forced to comprimise.
>Hey, Sudan, could you be anymore obvious about conducting genocide? "Sudan says it will not allow international investigators into Darfur to collect evidence on alleged war crimes."|| whb, 12/13/2005 Comments (5) || link
>12.12.2005
>Daily Show Halted
>A former intern with the Daily Show, who was working as a receptionist committed suicide, so the show halted production today.|| whb, 12/12/2005 Comments (8) || link
>Shut Your Christmas Hole
>Thad posted this in one of the comments below, but it's a quick and random Christmas greeting he made with Flash. Cute, Thad. Way to continue that war on Christmas.|| whb, 12/12/2005 Comment (1) || link
>Top Videos
>I never really see music videos anymore. Mostly, it's because I don't have the channels and many of the bands I listen to don't really spend much time with them. But Marathon Packs is better than us again, he not only "watches music videos" but he ranks them and links to them. Whoopdedoo.
>I have to say, my favorite is the Decembrist's video for 16 Military Wives. It riffs on Rushmore and the Model UN... Nice.|| whb, 12/12/2005 Comment (0) || link
>Christmas Suicide Rate
>I was grocery shopping with Lydia last night and doing some Christmas shopping the last week. I was reminded that the suicide rate goes up during the Holiday season. Is that just an urban legend or is it true. Because I swear to god, walking through muzaked Christmas tunes gets me freaked out, my face turns red, I get pissed off and I start thinking about ways to send the managers of Kroger a message.
>"What if I lit myself on fire in the middle of the spices and baking needs aisle?"
>Seriously, I can't believe how angry I get just listening to that music.
>But then I thought about Dentists. Dentists have the highest professional suicide rate, right? So, at Christmas do dentists committ more suicide? Because, most of them have lite radio stations on while they're working right?
>Ok ok. Story: My old dentist always listened to lite radio hits while he was doing his teeth cleaning thing. And he would whistle the tune. It was a recognizable whistle, the type of whistle that you expect to call a horse or something. Well, anyway, my brother worked for Hollywood Video or one of those rental stores... or he was in the rental store, I forget the details. He was just checking out his videos and he hears the whistle. It was the distinctive whistle and my brother turned quickly to hear it coming from the adult section. Hidden behind the beads of porn was "the whistle"... My brother quickly tries to flee the store, but not before he sees our dentist walk out of the beaded area with an arm full of videos.
>Anyway, so dentists. They listen to lite Christmas hits all day and they clean teeth and no one wants to visit them. So is muzak what causes our suicide rate to rise? Can we link those as cause and effect. Oh a new Nickleback song was released as muzak, that caused a spike of dentist suicides in Maple Grove.|| whb, 12/12/2005 Comments (13) || link
>Burning Down the House
>Lydia just called me from work to see if I would bake some bread. I haven't made bread without a chaperone before. I'm worried.|| whb, 12/12/2005 Comments (2) || link
>Open News
>I'll get to the news a bit later. Until then...
>The American Film Institute named its top movies for 2005.
>There's a long video on Crooks & Liars about the future of the Bush administration and the forsaking of New Orleans.
>Thank you Nate for showing me the website: Things My Girlfriend and I Have Argued About, which he claims is real. Regardless, it's awesome.
>Among the gems:
>-She wants to paint the living room yellow. I have not the words.
>-The way one should cut a Kiwi Fruit in half (along its length or across the middle).
>- Margret doesn't like to watch films on the TV. No, hold on - let me make sure you've got the inflection here: Margret doesn't like to watch films on the TV. She says she does, but years of bitter experience have proven that what she actually wants is to sit by me while I narrate the entire bleeding film to her. 'Who's she?', 'Why did he get shot?', 'I thought that one was on their side?', 'Is that a bomb' - 'JUST WATCH IT! IN THE NAME OF GOD, JUST WATCH IT!' The hellish mirror-image of this is when she furnishes me, deaf to my pleading, with her commentary. Chair-clawing suspense being assaulted mercilessly from behind by such interjections as, 'Hey! Look! They're the cushions we've got.', 'Isn't she the one who does that tampon advert?' and, on one famous occasion, 'Oh, I've seen this - he gets killed at the end.'|| whb, 12/12/2005 Comments (3) || link
>12.11.2005
>Personal Essay
>The worst thing ever invented was the personal essay. I hate them. Everyone hates them. Nothing is ever learned and as one old professor said, "it won't get you into grad school, but it can make you look like an ass." I don't think that's the correct quote, but it works.
>I wrote up a personal essay and had Lydia read it. She said, "You sound like a tool." I wasn't even trying to be clever. Then I tried the meta-essay, which was mainly notes for myself that said, "Do not try to be clever." They're like cover letters for a job. No one actually sounds good in them, but many people sound like douche bags.
>Oh bother.|| whb, 12/11/2005 Comments (5) || link
>There's Nothing Like...
>There's nothing like meeting up with your fiancee after her wedding shower and being embarassingly drunk. I was playing darts with a friend and we put back 4 pitchers, me forgetting I never ate lunch. And then we had to all meet up for dinner.
>The good part about it, is that I had a dream that my friend Colleen came back from her vacation at Disney Land (which one is the Florida one?) and she won a vacation to the Bahamas and gave the vacation to me. The Bahamas were surrounded by oil rigs in the water.|| whb, 12/11/2005 Comments (3) || link
>12.09.2005
>Group of Death
>Ok, I know it's pompous to say, but dammit, I love soccer. I think it's so much damned fun to watch the World Cup. And the draw was today... the US got placed with the Italians, the Czech's and the Ghanananians... is that what you call them? hmmm.
>It's called the group of death.|| whb, 12/09/2005 Comments (7) || link
>Kids, They Grow Up So Fast...
>Tomorrow is the wedding of our good friends Sally and Troy. Yes, Sallers (as I call her) is a big girl now. Getting all married. Just yesterday, I was fixing your mussed eyebrows...
>I wish I could be there, but since half of my friends decided to get married within six months of me (I'm flattered really), I can't make it to alot of them.|| whb, 12/09/2005 Comments (7) || link
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