Friday, January 13, 2006
Financial success for Bob
Laying as low as possible: prone, belly and chin flat on the concrete, ears straight back, eyes cast upwards penitently. Willing to go so far as to pee � but, that�s the source of the problem. The Alpha Sap is gesticulating wildly: alternately pointing at a spot on the carpet and wagging her finger. Can act, but can't keep this up forever. Yes, yes. Dog sees spot; no need to point it out again. Did she forget that Beta laid down a full bowl of cool water before leaving for several Sap hours? When forced to choose between a hard, splatter-sure surface, and an absorbent one, a dog will always choose the latter. But, nevertheless, sorry, so very sorry. Note, again, the submissive posture. But, she continues, issuing a torrent of words. Most are directed at no-one in particular, some apparently at her Maker, though she doesn't seem in a prayerful mood. Some, of course, are directed this way: chiefly, "Bad dog! You are such a bad dog! No!" These are interesting words; remember to consider them in the crate. There will be time. .. In the cage, much time for reflection. "No," she says. "No" is the universal negative. Heard it many times since the pup-days. But, curiously, seldom hear a universal positive. Feel like telling her: "No, no, no! Did you ever think to say 'Yes'?" But, even if she would listen, it would be a cheap shot. Know very well � and she may too � that the world is a "Yes" with relatively few "No's". Bo would say that we never heard No's in the Garden days, when our ancestors ran free. In those days, Bo said, the Sap had only one "No", but said "Yes." A big no-no. Now the Sap live with many "No�s". Even so, "Yes" is primary, wide, open. Saps who think like this are called "optimists"; but, dogs find such labels tiresome. Posted by Remainderman in Mysteries & Fictions | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0) Wednesday, January 11, 2006 Vowel Sounds What follows are excerpts from the unofficial, phonetic transcript of yesterday's confirmation hearing before the Senate Judiciary Committee. *** KENNEDY: Judge Alioto, it's true, isn't it, that your last name ends with 'O'? ALITO: Senator, it's A-L-I-T-O. But, yes, Senator, it is true. KENNEDY: And, isn't it also true that your last name begins with an 'A'? ALITO: Yes, Senator, it does. KENNEDY: That's right. And, Judge Alioto, isn't it also true that fully 66% of the letters in your last name -- (aside) what? what? oh -- fully, 60% of the letters in your last name are vowels? ALITO: Yes, Senator. KENNEDY: So, we are presented with a nominee who's last name begins and ends with vowels and, is, in fact, filled with vowels. ALITO: .... *** FEINGOLD: Judge Alito, do you recall completing a questionnaire and submitting it to this Committee in 1990 in connection to your nomination to the Third Circuit bench? ALITO: Yes, Senator, I do recall that. FEINGOLD: Well, you did, Judge Alito, so there's no use denying it. I have it right in front of me. It's some 30 pages in length. And, I've looked over the entire questionnaire, every question, every answer, and I have not found any disclosure on your part that your name ended in a vowel, much less that it consists mostly of vowels. ALITO: Well, Senator, I haven't seen the questionnaire in 15 years, but I do believe that on the first page I filled in 'Name'. FEINGOLD: Judge Alito, this is serious business. This body has a serious duty to inquire about your fitness to serve on the Court. Your decisions and actions are likely to affect the lives of every American until the Twenty Third Century. ALITO: Well, Senator, I am attempting to take this seriously. FEINGOLD: And, Judge Alito, notwithstanding your failure to fully disclose the composition of your name, you failed to recuse yourself from the cases of Pesto v. Smith, Vermicelli v. Jones, and Ricotta v. Allen. That's true isn't it? *** BIDEN: Judge, I have known many fine people whose names end in vowels -- really, wonderful people. Good people. Decent people. I mean, I think our great country has been enriched by people such as yourself who came here with names ending in vowels. 'I's', 'A's', 'O's'... what have you. I mean, where would we be without you? Who would have manned the fruit carts? Who would have laid the stone? And, who were those funny little men with the monkeys? -- that's right, the organ grinders. I remember I used to love the funny way they talked -- "atsa lotta spicy meatballs." (chuckles) I tell you, that used to kill me. But, let me ask you this, are you familiar with "The Soprano's"? You know the TV series. ALITO: Well, Senator, I'm aware that there's such a program. I don't watch it. BIDEN: Well, Judge, it's a series about an Italian family living in New Jersey -- such as your own wonderful, ethnic family -- and, well, it's pretty entertaining, though people do die or get beaten up, and there's a lot of corruption and vice -- and, you know, their last name also ends in 'O'. Just thought it was curious, kind of interesting... I mean it probably doesn't mean anything, but let me ask you, looking at the Supreme Court as it now stands -- and, again, I'm just looking for your impression, you know your gut on this -- how many justices would you think have last names ending in vowels -- just looking for your take on it. ALITO: Well, Senator, I'd have to think for a second. BIDEN: Well, Judge, I don't have a lot of time left. Let me just tell you that there's only one, and he just happens also to be Italian. I'm speaking of course of your ideological mentor, Justice Scalia. ALITO: .... Unless you count Justice Kennedy, Senator. KENNEDY: Judge Alioto, are you suggesting that my last name -- the same last name of my brothers Jack and Bobby -- and, for that matter, Senator Leahy's last name - that our names end in a vowel? ALITO: Well, Senator, I think most commentators would agree with that interpretation. I mean, I don't know that it has any relevance to anything. *** SCHUMER: I take it by your earlier answers, Judge, that you believe that 'Y' is always a vowel? ALITO: Well, no, Senator, I'm saying that 'Y' is sometimes a vowel and sometimes a consonant. It depends on it's context. SCHUMER: How about 'O', Judge? Is that always a vowel or sometimes not? Or does it depend on whether or not it comes at the end of the last name of a party in a case before you? ALITO: Senator, I think that 'O' is always a vowel. SCHUMER: So, it would be fair to say then, Judge, that you believe that in one case it is always so and in another it depends? ALITO: Well-- SCHUMER: Well, Judge, I have to say that your answer troubles me. It's seems to me -- and, I think, to most Americans -- that your answer changes depending upon what suit you. That's looks a lot like a double standard to me . ALITO: .... SCHUMER: Well, Judge, since it's apparent I'm not going to get a straight answer, I'll just move on. Posted by Remainderman in Politics & Ethics | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0) Monday, January 09, 2006 The Consolation of Canis Majoris IV One of the Stranger Saps, who sometimes appears in the dwelling, is sitting on the basement sofa � on the very cushion this dog covets. He slouches, holding a metal cylinder, occasionally lapping a fluid with the aroma of a stale malt and inferior hops. He regards this dog with his odd look. "What a mangy mutt," he says. "Yeah," says Alpha, "I gotta build a fence for that damn dog. He runs off sometimes and I catch hell." "Hey," says the Stranger, "Did you ever notice that 'dog' spelled backwards is 'God'?" And then he snorts like a Shih Tzu with adenoid problems. He is joined, reluctantly, by the Beta Himself. Feel an immediate, snarling bark rising in the throat, but stifle it quickly. It does no good to rebuke him. First, a justified growl would likely be ignored or, worse, taken as a threat, and � lickety split � packed away in the crate for another term. Second, it�s like chasing a tree. A dog can sometimes save a Sap from mishap. You see this often in the Flat Images In The Box of which the Saps are so fond: a Dog Image runs up to a group of Sap Images and barks demonstratively. The Sap Images know right away that something is wrong, and disappear from the frame of the Box with the Dog Image. This rarely happens in reality. On occasion, one can warn a Sap of a true danger: such as a particularly loathsome cat outside in the bushes. But, a rebuke would be fruitless. Like the Sap's warnings directed at another Sap Image on the Box, who is advancing slowly down a dim corridor. "Stop!", they shout, "Don't go down there!" But, the Image continues, while another, menacing Sap Image lays in wait around the corner, stealthfully, like a cat. Posted by Remainderman in Mysteries & Fictions | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0) Saturday, January 07, 2006 The Consolation of Canis Majoris III Alone. All the Homo sapiens � Saps for short � the Beta Himself, the Alpha Herself, and the Sap pups � all away. This dog is in for the day, in the "enclosure": a kind of corral that leaves just enough room to pace back and forth and to think. Grown accustomed to solitude. The time passes so slowly, and it took some slow-passing time to adjust slow-passing of it. An hour would be seven; a day would be a week. Always longing to be out in the wilds, running with the dogs, hunting with the pack, lapping from a cool brook, howling at the moon, and, at length, settling down in a warm den, with kith and kin surround. Perhaps some female company. A dog wants an active, immediate, social life. But, the long hours alone have provided some time for contemplation. A chance to develop a keener sense of smell. To appreciate the subtle play of molds and mites. The change in pressure and draft. The passing notes of potpourri and even especially pungent paramecium. Might not have made it except for the days at the pound, and Bo and all he taught me, and the beauty he walked out with. Posted by Remainderman in Mysteries & Fictions | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0) Thursday, January 05, 2006 The Consolation of Canis Majoris II In the morning, Beta opens the door to the backyard, but keeps a guarded eye. He doesn�t trust: he's afraid this dog might take off after some nut-mouthed squirrel or something. But, hey, Beta, cut me some slack! Last time this dog checked, you had the same plumbing urgency. Just need a vertical object to mark. This lawn ornament should do. 
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